Being someone that they could rely on and look up to, being wanted and respected, this is what it feels like. It's the greatest feeling in the world when you're the reason behind their smiles.

201four! (the no four on my laptop is spoil.) 

It's officially my second post for this blog for this year! Wow. This is how much I've grown. From being the pathetic secondary school girl to the still nerdy 19 years old girl. How fast time flies. I've officially ended ITE life. If you ask me how those two years had been for me, I'm not going to lie and tell you that i had the best two years of my life. My two years in ITE... How do I even describe it? It was bittersweet. I'm just going to say that's all there is. I keep thinking what'd happen if I'd join this or that course so I guess in the end I wasn't really satisfied with my ITE course.

And so here I am now, waiting for my poly results in another two more days. I'm afraid but I already know what I'm going to get. I'm confused and I'm lost. I want to continue the course that I took in ITE but it pains me every time when I think about all that effort being put in and then getting a GPA not even close to perfection. Sometimes because of all of this, I just want to stay away from children as far as possible and sometimes I just want to prove the whole world wrong. 

It's been three years since O's. Three years and I'm still deciding what I want to do for the rest of my life. Why can't I make a decision? I'm just scared. What I don't want to be a teacher? What if I don't want to be a writer? What if I end up jobless? So many what if's. I'm 19 this year and I still cannot make a decision for myself.

Sometimes when you think you've grown, you really haven't.

It's been awhile hasn't it? 

After realizing what my DP is for this account, I realize something. Something so painful and heartbreaking. My pictures are always with someone. But whenever I come back here, a few years later or a few months later, I am no longer in contact with the person I'm smiling with in those pictures. Why? I ask myself everyday. Have I done something wrong or have I just been meeting the wrong people all this while? People come and people go. That's what I choose to believe now. I just don't even want to care anymore knowing that one day everyone just drifts apart.

You only understand the fun in CIP when you through it yourself, making others happy makes yourself happy. I don't need to travel to places like L.A or Paris to experience something like this. Being with children, helping people out, being with new friends is all it takes. I had so much fun thanks to my teammates. An experience I will never forget. Surabaya, thank you for giving me the chance for all of it. :')

Princess mash-up play, danced and sing on stage. *patting myself on the back.* We're survivors girls :)

10 2D art which involved using chalk, finger-paining, collage method, tissue paper dabbing, using of cotton-bud, using of oil pastels, using pencil and tissues, using bottles and bottles of paint and using endless of $$. 7 3D art which involved endless research, endless headache, disappointment and $$$. 17 synopsis which got me talking about shit like artists. 17 lesson plan that made me look like the most boring teacher in the world. 1 beach exhibition that made me stay back till late in school. And I am finally done with everything. After months, I am so thankful. Some of my art work. 

Using cotton-bud which took me 2 days. I choose Hawaii as my country for the theme which is flora & fauna.

Using oil-pastel/crayon and paint. Took me 2 days. 

Using of chalk, took me 2 days.. 

Collage method which took me 4-5 days. 

Paper art which took me 2 hours. 

My TAC exhibition which took my group endless hours of staying back & $$$$.

Confession time:

1. TAC due date is in another 2 weeks and I'm still forever stuck on my 5th work. (I'm dead.)

2. I'm so tired of school I need a break. 

3. I am no longer funny and I totally have forgotten how to take pictures. 

4. I have completely no life. 

5. I'm avoiding people because they deserve better.

6. A lot of people are getting annoyed with me and my habit of not replying to their messages. 

7. I am worried (so very worried) about my group because it seems like I'm the only serious one. (Then again, aren't I forever serious?)

8. All my girls are contacting guys except me. 

9. I have seriously no interest in guys nowadays which is worrying because I really cannot find myself liking anyone anymore. & I feel so scared. I don't know why, I just do. So scared of being alone forever, of being mocked at by my friends who have boys, so scared of losing myself if I ever like a guy, so scared of being the last lonely one.

10.  I'm the only one in fsqareans who doesn't know about the girl's boys in their life and when I asked, they won't tell me so I'm feeling a little annoyed but then again, I am rarely there so I guess it's fine. 

11. I don't feel like I belong to anywhere anymore. (Even with ICA.)

12. I get uncomfortable really easily nowadays. 

13. I laugh when I wake up before my alarm nowadays. I must be losing my mind.

14. I left my soul in the meeting room at green block last few weeks. 

15. I'm starting to like kpop but I only know the old groups like 2pm, mblaq, shinee, super junior and snsd. This, thanks to running man. 

16. The girls don't talk on fsquareans anymore and I miss them but at the same time, even when they do talk, I don't reply. 

17. I miss pek and the others too but nobody seems to care. 

18. I need to move on. 

19. I just realized that moobs = man boobs. We've been calling ourselves man boobs. 

20. I get very emotional when I think about the girls and my friends. 

21. I pity pizza for having a friend like me. 

22. I know that if I continue being so distant, people will eventually get tired of me.

23. This is karma for everything bad I have done in life and I keep telling myself I deserve this. 

24. Back when we were picking groups, I didn't tell anyone this but I cried a lot during that period of time. I felt that in life, if you are not talented or smart, no matter how hardworking you are, nobody will want you ..even your friends because when it comes to success, it's a solo thing. & I was asking myself weren't friends supposed to accept each other's good and bad, share the success together? I know we separated because we didn't want to involve friendship with our studies but I guess I was just so confused with everything and mad at myself for being so useless. 

25. During the first few lessons of TAC, I purposefully sat alone because seating with my friends made me feel terrible because both of them are super good in their art and I felt so zero seating with them and doing our artwork. 

25. I think I will cry during my birthday. 

26. I don't know how I'm gonna be in charge of twenty people. 

27. I sincerely think ECH teachers are like our mothers and I love Miss A for being unbiased. It feels nice to be treated equally for someone who isn't a teacher's pet. 

28. Even though I'm not close to my friends anymore, I'm so much more closer to my family and home really is the best place for me. 

29. I'm thankful for my friendship with Pizza though it feels like deja vu. The very same kind of friendship with telur. It's weird but I appreciate it. 

30. I don't have the 18 feeling this year .... I feel 81. 

So lonely yet don't want to be a burden to everyone

I've been gone long enough for everything to turn upside down. 1 month plus after "Safe heaven with Natasha and Fizah...." 

My new class is (thankfully!!) amazing. When they called out our names to go to our new class, the whole time I was just praying that I'd get in the same class as someone I'm close with. And what a relief, my class is the class with more ICA people. The first week was hard for all of us because all the cliques literally got separated. When they cry, you can't help but be sad with them. But as time passes, we are all getting used to it and we're all so much closer than before. ICA is still the best (ICA fighting!) Three new subjects this term which are The Art Curriculum (TAC), Learning Environment (LE) and Ofice Application (OA). It's too soon for me to say anything about TAC and LE but what I can say about OA is, it sucks big time. I thought that I'd be good in computer stuffs since I look like I belong to computers but nope.. I don't understand a single thing ;( Other than school also, I have also safely moved to Yishun from Woodlands. So now it's Tampines (2) - Woodlands (1) - Yishun (1) The whole moving thing was so so tiring but it's over and done with now. I have my own room and I can roll around in it so whatevs (hahaha) 

Memories

Safe Haven today with Fizah and Natasha. Throughout the whole movie, all I can say is "dammmn" Josh is so hot *droolsx100000* After that went to KFC and had a long catch-up session with them. Talked about everything and it felt good because the holidays made me really miss them. All in all, Safe Haven the movie was good, didn't match up to the book but boy oh boy, Josh is so bloody hot. 

Who am I with these people and which do I belong to 

I'm so tired of this, of you hurting my feelings. What is done, is done. 

I love love but I don't see myself in love I just love the fact that love exists.

Yayy to me and my very first A for WFB :') 

A little about 14th Feb which is learning corner due date/Valentine's Day. So, I spent the whole day indoors, just putting up our corner and dong everything possible to make it presentable and attractive. It was really a busy day. Dayang and I kept coming up with ideas to make our "vet" more appealing because ours look like shit. It felt like the whole day my mind was going "click click click..." with new ideas. It felt good honestly to be doing a lot of work. I don't know maybe it was because two of my groupmates were always mia and not doing anything or maybe because everyone else was doing their work I just wanted to be busy to do. Whatever it is, it ended, Miss W didn't look so pleased so I don't know. Truthfully, throughout this project, I learnt a lot of things about some people which sadly makes me think, "Bagus jugak kalau next term tukar class."  Okay so learning corner aside, 14th Feb is also Valentine's day and I was expecting to be a little jealous of the couples but I just couldn't be bothered. I don't know why, the feeling or sadness or jealousy just wasn't there. Maybe it was because I was busy? But even after school when I saw this couple being so sweet I was like, "Oh okay." Not like, "I wish I could want that." When people say, "Valentine day is the day you feel extra lonely and blabla." I don't think so, you don't have to feel that way. I have to say, at the end of the day I was really really happy and I just couldn't explain why but it was a good day and I didn't even rolled my eyes to all the couples I saw or the lovey dovey tweets. Hmmm, explain these feelings somebody?

Honestly, I miss the Moobs.

Cookies and Cream! All our hard work paid off. Proud to say I did the most for this project with the paintings, video editing, script and props. But of course my dearest groupmates have done very well with the drawing and the puppets. Congratulations to us, we can only hope for the best now! :') 

When you're so used to fixing and then you want to do something about it but you just can't because no one cares... 

I can't wait to be schoolmates with this girl. I know it's going to be hard to meet but anything is possible if we put in effort. Plus, we're just one classroom away. To you Oyaoya, I know it's scary , I know it sucks to be alone. But you're going to be okay. Just look at the bright side, new friends, hot boys, fun course, a great future ahead of you. You're going to make a lot of new friends, some nice ones, some not so nice ones, but that's life you know. Your going to get best friends there and maybe a boyfriend too I hope! It's okay to be scared but don't worry, everyone is. When you're feeling lonely just remember that things will be better and that you're not alone, you have four fsquare-ians with you in your heart. Cheesy but you know it's true ;) Everything's going to be okay, babe. Just think of this as a stepping stone to your future, you're finally moving on. :) 

I would love to be there! <3 p="">

When your saddest fear comes creeping in, that you never loved me or her or anyone or anything.... 

Happy Monday everyone! 

Day started out okay with DC, I like being with Sophie and Dayang. When Vasantha is there, I get a little awkward idk why. ENT did some group bonding time and I'm really sad C&C are coming to an end because I'm starting to open up to them. I really love Venus as my groupmate because her attitude makes me want to be like her, very nice and patient and understanding and just positive no matter what. TCC had lesson and sang some songs. After school met Pek, Arina and Luqman and went J8 to eat. Had a super great catch up session with them and omg I just couldn't contain myself, there was so much to say, to much to tell them and I was just beaming throughout the entire time. I truly miss hanging out with them. I've missed Arina's angelic attitude and Luqman's dance when he wants to eat and of course Pek's hilarious comments. And of course, I've missed the attention given to my thumbs hahaha hope to hang out with them soon, I miss them toooo much.

"When you meet the one you will know what it's like to love him every day and although you say now that the thought of being with someone forever is boring, you will know the truth when the time comes." Naww parents are the sweetest in the world

Being someone that they could rely on and look up to, being wanted and respected, this is what it feels like. It's the greatest feeling in the world when you're the reason behind their smiles.

201four! (the no four on my laptop is spoil.) 

It's officially my second post for this blog for this year! Wow. This is how much I've grown. From being the pathetic secondary school girl to the still nerdy 19 years old girl. How fast time flies. I've officially ended ITE life. If you ask me how those two years had been for me, I'm not going to lie and tell you that i had the best two years of my life. My two years in ITE... How do I even describe it? It was bittersweet. I'm just going to say that's all there is. I keep thinking what'd happen if I'd join this or that course so I guess in the end I wasn't really satisfied with my ITE course.

And so here I am now, waiting for my poly results in another two more days. I'm afraid but I already know what I'm going to get. I'm confused and I'm lost. I want to continue the course that I took in ITE but it pains me every time when I think about all that effort being put in and then getting a GPA not even close to perfection. Sometimes because of all of this, I just want to stay away from children as far as possible and sometimes I just want to prove the whole world wrong. 

It's been three years since O's. Three years and I'm still deciding what I want to do for the rest of my life. Why can't I make a decision? I'm just scared. What I don't want to be a teacher? What if I don't want to be a writer? What if I end up jobless? So many what if's. I'm 19 this year and I still cannot make a decision for myself.

Sometimes when you think you've grown, you really haven't.

It's been awhile hasn't it? 

After realizing what my DP is for this account, I realize something. Something so painful and heartbreaking. My pictures are always with someone. But whenever I come back here, a few years later or a few months later, I am no longer in contact with the person I'm smiling with in those pictures. Why? I ask myself everyday. Have I done something wrong or have I just been meeting the wrong people all this while? People come and people go. That's what I choose to believe now. I just don't even want to care anymore knowing that one day everyone just drifts apart.

You only understand the fun in CIP when you through it yourself, making others happy makes yourself happy. I don't need to travel to places like L.A or Paris to experience something like this. Being with children, helping people out, being with new friends is all it takes. I had so much fun thanks to my teammates. An experience I will never forget. Surabaya, thank you for giving me the chance for all of it. :')

Princess mash-up play, danced and sing on stage. *patting myself on the back.* We're survivors girls :)

10 2D art which involved using chalk, finger-paining, collage method, tissue paper dabbing, using of cotton-bud, using of oil pastels, using pencil and tissues, using bottles and bottles of paint and using endless of $$. 7 3D art which involved endless research, endless headache, disappointment and $$$. 17 synopsis which got me talking about shit like artists. 17 lesson plan that made me look like the most boring teacher in the world. 1 beach exhibition that made me stay back till late in school. And I am finally done with everything. After months, I am so thankful. Some of my art work. 

Using cotton-bud which took me 2 days. I choose Hawaii as my country for the theme which is flora & fauna.

Using oil-pastel/crayon and paint. Took me 2 days. 

Using of chalk, took me 2 days.. 

Collage method which took me 4-5 days. 

Paper art which took me 2 hours. 

My TAC exhibition which took my group endless hours of staying back & $$$$.

Confession time:

1. TAC due date is in another 2 weeks and I'm still forever stuck on my 5th work. (I'm dead.)

2. I'm so tired of school I need a break. 

3. I am no longer funny and I totally have forgotten how to take pictures. 

4. I have completely no life. 

5. I'm avoiding people because they deserve better.

6. A lot of people are getting annoyed with me and my habit of not replying to their messages. 

7. I am worried (so very worried) about my group because it seems like I'm the only serious one. (Then again, aren't I forever serious?)

8. All my girls are contacting guys except me. 

9. I have seriously no interest in guys nowadays which is worrying because I really cannot find myself liking anyone anymore. & I feel so scared. I don't know why, I just do. So scared of being alone forever, of being mocked at by my friends who have boys, so scared of losing myself if I ever like a guy, so scared of being the last lonely one.

10.  I'm the only one in fsqareans who doesn't know about the girl's boys in their life and when I asked, they won't tell me so I'm feeling a little annoyed but then again, I am rarely there so I guess it's fine. 

11. I don't feel like I belong to anywhere anymore. (Even with ICA.)

12. I get uncomfortable really easily nowadays. 

13. I laugh when I wake up before my alarm nowadays. I must be losing my mind.

14. I left my soul in the meeting room at green block last few weeks. 

15. I'm starting to like kpop but I only know the old groups like 2pm, mblaq, shinee, super junior and snsd. This, thanks to running man. 

16. The girls don't talk on fsquareans anymore and I miss them but at the same time, even when they do talk, I don't reply. 

17. I miss pek and the others too but nobody seems to care. 

18. I need to move on. 

19. I just realized that moobs = man boobs. We've been calling ourselves man boobs. 

20. I get very emotional when I think about the girls and my friends. 

21. I pity pizza for having a friend like me. 

22. I know that if I continue being so distant, people will eventually get tired of me.

23. This is karma for everything bad I have done in life and I keep telling myself I deserve this. 

24. Back when we were picking groups, I didn't tell anyone this but I cried a lot during that period of time. I felt that in life, if you are not talented or smart, no matter how hardworking you are, nobody will want you ..even your friends because when it comes to success, it's a solo thing. & I was asking myself weren't friends supposed to accept each other's good and bad, share the success together? I know we separated because we didn't want to involve friendship with our studies but I guess I was just so confused with everything and mad at myself for being so useless. 

25. During the first few lessons of TAC, I purposefully sat alone because seating with my friends made me feel terrible because both of them are super good in their art and I felt so zero seating with them and doing our artwork. 

25. I think I will cry during my birthday. 

26. I don't know how I'm gonna be in charge of twenty people. 

27. I sincerely think ECH teachers are like our mothers and I love Miss A for being unbiased. It feels nice to be treated equally for someone who isn't a teacher's pet. 

28. Even though I'm not close to my friends anymore, I'm so much more closer to my family and home really is the best place for me. 

29. I'm thankful for my friendship with Pizza though it feels like deja vu. The very same kind of friendship with telur. It's weird but I appreciate it. 

30. I don't have the 18 feeling this year .... I feel 81. 

So lonely yet don't want to be a burden to everyone

I've been gone long enough for everything to turn upside down. 1 month plus after "Safe heaven with Natasha and Fizah...." 

My new class is (thankfully!!) amazing. When they called out our names to go to our new class, the whole time I was just praying that I'd get in the same class as someone I'm close with. And what a relief, my class is the class with more ICA people. The first week was hard for all of us because all the cliques literally got separated. When they cry, you can't help but be sad with them. But as time passes, we are all getting used to it and we're all so much closer than before. ICA is still the best (ICA fighting!) Three new subjects this term which are The Art Curriculum (TAC), Learning Environment (LE) and Ofice Application (OA). It's too soon for me to say anything about TAC and LE but what I can say about OA is, it sucks big time. I thought that I'd be good in computer stuffs since I look like I belong to computers but nope.. I don't understand a single thing ;( Other than school also, I have also safely moved to Yishun from Woodlands. So now it's Tampines (2) - Woodlands (1) - Yishun (1) The whole moving thing was so so tiring but it's over and done with now. I have my own room and I can roll around in it so whatevs (hahaha) 

Memories

Safe Haven today with Fizah and Natasha. Throughout the whole movie, all I can say is "dammmn" Josh is so hot *droolsx100000* After that went to KFC and had a long catch-up session with them. Talked about everything and it felt good because the holidays made me really miss them. All in all, Safe Haven the movie was good, didn't match up to the book but boy oh boy, Josh is so bloody hot. 

Who am I with these people and which do I belong to 

I'm so tired of this, of you hurting my feelings. What is done, is done. 

I love love but I don't see myself in love I just love the fact that love exists.

Yayy to me and my very first A for WFB :') 

A little about 14th Feb which is learning corner due date/Valentine's Day. So, I spent the whole day indoors, just putting up our corner and dong everything possible to make it presentable and attractive. It was really a busy day. Dayang and I kept coming up with ideas to make our "vet" more appealing because ours look like shit. It felt like the whole day my mind was going "click click click..." with new ideas. It felt good honestly to be doing a lot of work. I don't know maybe it was because two of my groupmates were always mia and not doing anything or maybe because everyone else was doing their work I just wanted to be busy to do. Whatever it is, it ended, Miss W didn't look so pleased so I don't know. Truthfully, throughout this project, I learnt a lot of things about some people which sadly makes me think, "Bagus jugak kalau next term tukar class."  Okay so learning corner aside, 14th Feb is also Valentine's day and I was expecting to be a little jealous of the couples but I just couldn't be bothered. I don't know why, the feeling or sadness or jealousy just wasn't there. Maybe it was because I was busy? But even after school when I saw this couple being so sweet I was like, "Oh okay." Not like, "I wish I could want that." When people say, "Valentine day is the day you feel extra lonely and blabla." I don't think so, you don't have to feel that way. I have to say, at the end of the day I was really really happy and I just couldn't explain why but it was a good day and I didn't even rolled my eyes to all the couples I saw or the lovey dovey tweets. Hmmm, explain these feelings somebody?

Honestly, I miss the Moobs.

Cookies and Cream! All our hard work paid off. Proud to say I did the most for this project with the paintings, video editing, script and props. But of course my dearest groupmates have done very well with the drawing and the puppets. Congratulations to us, we can only hope for the best now! :') 

When you're so used to fixing and then you want to do something about it but you just can't because no one cares... 

I can't wait to be schoolmates with this girl. I know it's going to be hard to meet but anything is possible if we put in effort. Plus, we're just one classroom away. To you Oyaoya, I know it's scary , I know it sucks to be alone. But you're going to be okay. Just look at the bright side, new friends, hot boys, fun course, a great future ahead of you. You're going to make a lot of new friends, some nice ones, some not so nice ones, but that's life you know. Your going to get best friends there and maybe a boyfriend too I hope! It's okay to be scared but don't worry, everyone is. When you're feeling lonely just remember that things will be better and that you're not alone, you have four fsquare-ians with you in your heart. Cheesy but you know it's true ;) Everything's going to be okay, babe. Just think of this as a stepping stone to your future, you're finally moving on. :) 

I would love to be there! <3 p="">

When your saddest fear comes creeping in, that you never loved me or her or anyone or anything.... 

Happy Monday everyone! 

Day started out okay with DC, I like being with Sophie and Dayang. When Vasantha is there, I get a little awkward idk why. ENT did some group bonding time and I'm really sad C&C are coming to an end because I'm starting to open up to them. I really love Venus as my groupmate because her attitude makes me want to be like her, very nice and patient and understanding and just positive no matter what. TCC had lesson and sang some songs. After school met Pek, Arina and Luqman and went J8 to eat. Had a super great catch up session with them and omg I just couldn't contain myself, there was so much to say, to much to tell them and I was just beaming throughout the entire time. I truly miss hanging out with them. I've missed Arina's angelic attitude and Luqman's dance when he wants to eat and of course Pek's hilarious comments. And of course, I've missed the attention given to my thumbs hahaha hope to hang out with them soon, I miss them toooo much.

"When you meet the one you will know what it's like to love him every day and although you say now that the thought of being with someone forever is boring, you will know the truth when the time comes." Naww parents are the sweetest in the world